Punxsutawney Phil: The World's Worst Weatherman
Each Groundhog's Day, Punxsutawney Phil's weather forecast is in a word: laughable.
Historically, the inaccuracy of Phil's predictions verges on statistical impossibility. It's almost as if this oversized rat is lying to us.
Well the buck stops here. With your help, we can make sure that the only shadow Punxsutawney Phil ever sees again is the shadow of failure.
Out with the Liar
You might expect a carnival sideshow like 'Punxy Phil' to be right about 50% of the time. However flipping a coin is actually a much better predictor than the Punxsutawney Fraud.
It turns out that historically, Punxsutawney Phil's record is more like 39%. Get the facts here
In fact, if you did the exact opposite of what this furry con-man says, you'd be right 61% of the time. That's better than Al Roker!
Then add the fact that Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow 87% of the time, and you start to see what a liar this rodent is.
That's right, 99 shadows and 15 no-shadows have been recorded in Punxsutawney. WTF Phil?
Why Punxsutawney Phil always sees his shadow
It might seem like this hairy douchebag is just a pessimist who wants nothing but 6 more weeks of winter.
But the inaccuracy of Phil's predictions has more to do with the way those toothless Punxsutawney hillbillies define a "shadow". It counts whether Punxsutawney Phil sees his own shadow, the shadow of the guy who takes him out, or the shadow of just about anyone.
Since there are invariably a ton of jackasses around Phil every Groundhog's Day, it makes sense that this glorified rat usually sees a shadow of some sort.
Why Staten Island Chuck is a better weatherman than Phil
Staten Island Chuck is a rival of Punxsutawney Phil from the Staten Island Zoo. Not surprisingly, Chuck is often in disagreement with that media-darling Phil.
Well it turns out that Staten Island Chuck isn't overly accurate either. But with a record closer to 50%, he is still doing a much better job than that Punxsutawney Fraud.
Why Jimmy the Groundhog is a better weatherman than Phil
Wisconsin's answer to Punxsutawney Phil, Jimmy the Groundhog is a much better predictor of weather than that fraudster from Pennsylvania.
As you might expect, Jimmy's predictions often differ from Punxsutawney Phil's, and that's a good thing. This always leads to a bit of Groundhog Day controversy, with the media always taking Phil's side.
Why Phil's an asshole
Let's face it, Punxsutawney Phil doesn't give a shit about you or your family.
Why should a groundhog care about winter? Besides sleeping all day for 3 months, Punxsutawney Phil spends the winter sporting a stylish fur coat. Well I've got a fashion statement for you Phil: "Stop lying to the American people".
Worse than a bad movie
It's hard to make it through life without seeing the movie "Groundhog Day". The amount of times networks replay that movie makes you wonder whether it's an attempt at irony.
But the real-life travesty of Punxsutawney Phil plays out in endless reruns as well. And it's up to us to put a stop to this hairy liar.